McCain/Palin Court Penn. Snake-Handler Vote!
byline: Gregory B Geddings somewhere in
the Poconos...
With the upcoming election so tight the GOP has initiated an all-out battle to capture the
electoral vote in the crucial swing state of Pennsylvania. The Republicans have been targeting a
largely unregistered segment of voters in remote areas surrounding the Poconos located in the
northeastern section of the Keystone State. “Plannin' is underway”, says local GOP spokesman
Helmut Schmutzz (his friends cal him Earl), “for our candidates to make a stop-over at one of
our numerous snake-handling congregations to meet these fine folks and let them know that their
vote counts also, or 'too' if you prefer.“ At this point Mr. Schmutzz paused, dropped his pants,
squatted over an O'Bama/Biden poster lying on the ground and let go with what can only be
described as a Long, Greasy Movement of Converted Intestinal Matter in a large “X” pattern
over the front of the despised poster. “Ah, heck, I was a hopin' for enough to do a double X.
I saved that special for you! I heard you was a comin' so I figured you might want to get a
little local color for your story! Don't forget to spell my name with two Z's. Just let me squat here
for a few more seconds....” The humiliation of interviewing a man who was in the process of
doing a Numero Dos was beginning to set in and (not withstanding the fact that LBJ was known
to hold a daily wake-up meeting while all of his key, trusted advisers sat outside his open
bathroom door puzzling as to whether this grunt or that grunt could be an affirmative or a
negative) I hollered, still perched tenuously on the edge of my historical reverie, “I knew LBJ and
you, Sir, are No LBJ...!!!!!! My reverie popped like a Porcupine on a Tank Tread and I asked,
“Where did you get the O'Bama/Biden Poster?” He grimaced, took a deep breath and motioned for
me to yank his index finger, I obliged and he tooted from both orifices, “I think it came from
the yard of the gay guy who works at the library but I can't be for sure 'cause it was dark and I was
really drunk. All I remember was somebody hollerin' and moanin' and I started to run...only I fell
to the ground 'cause, for some reason, my pants were around my ankles.”
Mr. Schmutzz seemed to get visibly agitated as he raised his pants. He grabbed a Bible, held
it up and started to gyrate wildly. He screamed, a crowd gathered, and somebody whipped out a
tambourine. “Every vote counts and we're a countin' on you fine Snake-Handling Folks
to Come Out!---Come Out of Your Caves!---Come Out!---Come Out of Your Hidey-Holes!,
Come Out!---Come Out of Your Huckleberry Lean-Tos!---Come Out!--- If for No Other Reason
than to vote against BARRACK HOSSEIN O”BAMA!!! 'Cause Don't We Know It, Brothers
and Sisters,---Don't we know that them Dang Mooslims is WAY too Chicken-S**T to MESS WIF
NO SNAKES!!!!!!!!!!” Mr. Schmutzz fell to the ground, blubbering incoherently. Taken, it would
appear, by The Spirit or, at the very least, taken by A Spirit.
Rumors abound in this area including an unsubstantiated one that Carl Rove is involved
in the upcoming visit of the GOP ticket and is actively formulating plans to register
the snake folks, get them to vote absentee and, on election day, to transport bus loads of these
stalwart conservatives to African-American precincts throughout Pennsylvania's urban areas to act
as paid “Election Monitors”. No word yet on if they will be asked to carry
their Scaly Sacraments along.
The candidates are seen in the above picture rehearsing for their upcoming appearance in the
state-of-the art GOP Holographic Environmental Device also known as the SIMUL-A-TRON.
The snakes are real, but whacked out on Oxycontin.
