Friday Night. It Is a Hoot!

Beer. It is a hoot.

From its earliest days, when man stumbled onto it making bread, beer has been the foundation of civilization, but not of civilized behaviour.

This complex Rube Goldburg device is needed to make the ale of hoot.
Look at the beer and cereal of these two revelers. A hoot. Keystone light and Fruit Loops.

And when it's time to hoot into the toilet, you can hear the porcelain echo. Use lots of water getting down all that hoot!

X X X Huge Mellons Redheads X X X

How disappointing for you. I almost feel bad but I've gotta tell you, I don't get porn. Well, in my inbox I get mounds of it.

Ever since I was in highschool, my buddies would bring over dog-eared, forebodingly sticky periodicals of every perverse act imaginable.

Newsweek was so full of hot sticky Iran-Contra debachery that it even had a full-page photo of Lt. Col. Oliver North with his uniform off.

My friends also brought pornography by and I never saw the attraction.

And it wasn't because God was displeased, either. I could care less what your concept of a tyrannical deity likes or doesn't like; I'm a humanist. I see no more use for pornography than religion or hard drugs. I'm not advocating censorship, because somebody out there somewhere probably finds my collection of Evan Dorkin's Milk'n'Cheese to be offensive. I'm just saying that porn seems to be the playground of the unlaid and the repulsive and it degrades the already tenuous nature of the human race as a whole.

Look I'm not making the "Porn Degrades Women" argument because, unless some woman has been kidnapped, stripped and photographed against her will, she's making better bank on her back than I make upright. Hey, if you can cash a check for your exposed genitals rather than getting arrested like I would, puss it up for the lens girlfriend.

What I'm saying is that people's unhealthy obsession with voyeurism is matched only by other people's obsession with exhibitionism.

I have no intention of actively interfering with these two distinct groups from getting together to "Show you mine". That's their constitutional right in the US and is openly embraced in every other country in the world where somebody's concept of a tyrannical deity doesn't constitute public policy.

No, I will not join your moral crusade against what other people, regardless of how pathetic in my lame-ass opinion, choose to view on the internet or the privacy of their DVD player.


But I'm just venting my disdain for the fact that there is an entire industry dedicated to the over-exposure of what constitutes a largely private occurrence between two or more consenting adults, a goat and an industrial vat of lard.

If that's your thing, go for it...I'm just saying...WTF???

Live From New York, its...

I would like to take this opportunity to defend one of American Satire's most important institutions. I was in the 4th grade when the original troupe of Not Yet Ready for Primetime Players was holding up liquor stores and stealing car stereos for peanut butter money.

I didn't know what a male prostitute was, but I introduced myself as Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute once and got sent to the principal's office at St. Andrew's Parish 1st Baptist School for it. Here, the stern-yet-grandfatherly old gentleman that futzed about our hallowed halls was beholden to explain to a 3rd grader what a prostitute was.

What grade did you learn that in?
I was far too young to understand "Bulges" but I would say to other male classmates, "These Foxes are admiring our amazing bulges thinking it had something to do with wallets, which maybe was more insightful than I realized at the time. Point was, I got sent to Headmaster Gavin's again for more birds and bees talk.


From there it became a love affair with insomnia. Whether it was watching Mr. Bill go pum into a wall or diggin' on Bill Murray's "Lounge Singer" schmaltz, I was hip to SNL before I was hip to what the fuck SNL was talking about.


So when I hear people say, "It used to be funny; I liked when Bill Murray and John Belushi was on" I get a bit annoyed.

Oh, shit yeah, SNL has had some absolutely shit seasons with absolutely shit cast members.

Can't really think of many Denitra Vance movies, you know. But you know what else? It's not 1978 anymore and I can't imagine Bill Hader doing Watergate jokes as Henry Kissinger. SNL was making fun of current issues as well as random silly and it's making fun of random silly shit now. The "Bill Murray and John Belushi" show wasn't riffing on D-day, and I don't recall Jane Curtain playing a vampy flapper dame in any skits, so quit bitching that you'd love to see Kristin Wiig parody Rosiland Carter:




Have you seen Bill Hader's Vincent Price skits? Fucked up Funny Good. You want old shit, be happy.













And Kristin Wiig is fucking hot by the way.

Extra Medication for All

PillZe is back and Germaine is on the verge of giving him a Kevorkian Hug.

Please behold the wonders of this damaged squirrel of Neurotic Goodness, for sad is the world!



http://www.illwillpress.com/

This wasn't supposed to be funny...

At the beginning of a hostage crisis, the hostage-takers' demands are often unreasonable. They might ask for huge sums of money or for the release of thousands of fellow terrorists from jails.
Ideally, a hostage situation ends with everyone walking away (albeit with some of them in handcuffs). In this article, we'll find out what happens on the scene of a hostage negotiation, how a negotiator gets the job done and what it takes to become a professional hostage negotiator. We will also take a look at the psychology of hostage-takers and hostages.

Beyond "Mormon"

Pa said there were too many people in the Big Woods now. Quite often Laura heard the ringing thud of an ax which was not Pa's ax, or the echo of a shot that did not come from his gun. The path that went by the little house had become a road. Almost every day Laura and Mary stopped their playing and stared in surprise at a wagon slowly creaking by on that road.

In the long winter evenings he talked to Ma about the Western country. In the West the land was level, and there were no trees. The grass grew thick and high. There the wild animals wandered and fed as though they were in a pasture that stretched much farther than a man could see, and there were no settlers. Only Indians lived there.



SAN ANGELO, Texas (CNN) -- The state of Texas should not have removed children from a polygamist sect's ranch because it didn't prove that they were in "imminent danger," an appeals court ruled Thursday.
Any child reared to believe that there is a large, bearded Man in the sky who designed the whole universe, but gets angry easily is in"imminent danger".

Factor in encouraging a man to marry multiple, uneducated "sister wives" who dress like pioneer womenfolk and who are perpetually pregnant and you've got a perfectly good reason to confiscate their offspring. If somebody has too many cats the Humane Society comes in and takes the cats while EMS wheels out their owner, prattling on a gurney about why the tin foil hats are important.
The photo above is that of an actual FLDS family. Any teenage girl of childbearing age is potentially one of the wives, not a daughter. And this is due to the fact that Joseph Smith stared into a hat at some gold plates an ascended being told him how to find in a dream.

If these kids were kittens, they'd have found them good homes.

My Alma Matar

Academic Excellence
For more than 110 years students have been coming to Western Christian College to learn, grow, and lead. Our academic programs prepare you not only for graduate schools and careers, they are designed, in the liberal arts tradition, to develop critical thought.

WCC has been ranked among the top comprehensive colleges in the West by U.S. News and World Report.

Faith Commitment
At Western Christian College, education and faith are closely linked. We agree with the great thinkers

through the ages who contend that an education requires the exercise of faith and reason. Both are quests for truth, and each leads to the one Source of all Truth: God.

Ethical Leadership
Western Christian College is in the business of developing leaders with a set of core values, a moral compass,

and an ethical code - leaders informed, guided, and inspired by the Word of God. We are committed to building ethical leaders who make a difference.

All of us are called to be leaders by contributing our gifts and God-given abilities to improve the world.

Character development
Western Christian College prepares you for life's challenges and opportunities.

It expands your knowledge and skills and develops your gifts and talents. It builds character and values

while clarifying your sense of purpose and meaning. You grow in all capacities - body, mind, and spirit.

Caring Community
As a Christian institution of higher learning, we are committed to being a caring, welcoming community characterized by diversity, inclusiveness, respect for all people, and a passion for social justice.

Global Engagement

Important learning experiences extend beyond our campus. Through regional, national, and global missions trips

urban outreach and community service projects

and other service learning opportunities,

our students experience the joys and challenges of ministry, discipleship, missions and service to the community and to the world.

Some of the most life-changing moments occur when you see firsthand the needs of the world and do something about them.

Cash or charge?

Oh, boy! I just squandered a week's pay on useless shit! Now, I'll have to eat a steady diet of Top Rammen for the next week, but I'll loose enough weight to fit into the latest train wreck by some gay Italian maniac who could care less what a women looks like.





In the mean time, half a world and several hundred calories away, these kids are sporting the latest in non-blood-covered fashion from off the aid truck.













Among today's "Fun Finds", 3 pints of blood in this kiddo's type. While some blond haired, blue eyed baby, who obviously can't be blamed for having idiot parents, is gracing the pages of "Style Baby", the leading source of news and info for pedophiles worldwide.








Socially Acceptable

one local mother says she was asked to stop breastfeeding her baby at McDonald's. Julie Kovacs said she was nursing her 6-month-old son at a McDonald's in Rostraver Township when an employee asked her to stop. The worker reportedly said other customers complained. "I was humiliated. I have four children and I have nursed all of them and this was the first time I've ever had anything like this to deal with. No one has ever approached me. I'm always discreet," Kovacs said. Breastfeeding support groups said Kovacs was discriminated against and her civil rights were violated. She said she is now seeking legal advice about the incident. McDonald's management called Kovacs Tuesday and apologized.

Welcome to Halliburton

Education

Learning and development is an important part of the Halliburton culture.

We offer educational reimbursements to pay for or reimburse a portion of fees related to job-related workshops, off-site seminars, courses taken at accredited educational institutions and other programs targeted to improve your skills and performance, programs targeted to improve your skills and performance,

plus paid time off for study and exams.

Travel
Halliburton offers international opportunities that enable you to work and train in locations around the globe.

With a presence in approximately 70 countries, Halliburton offers many opportunities to work on interesting projects, collaborate with new people, experience new cultures and see the world.

Time off
With our generous flex day, holidays, leaves of absence and vacation opportunities,

you get the time you need to enjoy life outside of work.

Health and wellness
Halliburton offers a wellness program that promotes the health and well-being of our employees and their families

through the delivery of customized solutions to help lose weight, quit smoking and get in better shape.

myhalliburton.com

Hands Over my Heart....oh, it's my acid reflux!

Artist: Lee Greenwood

I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

From the lakes of Minnesota,
to the hills of Tennessee.

Across the plains of Texas,
From sea to shining sea.

From Detroit down to Houston,
and New York to L.A.
Well there's pride in every American heart,
and its time we stand and say.

That I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

And I’m proud to be an American,
where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me.

And I gladly stand up,
next to you and defend her still today.
‘ Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA.

Ephesians 4:12

And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers
For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: Ephesians 4:12 (KJV)




Meet Paul and Jan Crouch. They're among God's Anointed at the helm of TBN, or Nambla.

Trinity Broadcasting Network is the redistributed funds of the failed PTL network. And by the looks of things, Jesus is right back where He started.

Jan Crouch has picked up the eyebrow pen where Tammy Faye left off sometime between leaving PTL and leaving the planet and by the looks of things, What Would Jesus Do has never been a better question. Girlfriend, if Jesus were here now, he'd tell you you look like a 10-dollar whore and then forgive you.

And don't think Heritage USA is completely forgotten. In hopes of bringing in some major tourism money, they moved it to Orlando, where they stage a twice-daily crucifixion wherein an actor playing Christ is stripped to a loincloth and, in keeping with their mission statement of providing wholesome family entertainment, nailed to a cross after being flogged for a few minutes. You'd think they'd give the people in the wheelchairs a better vantage point. That poor lady to His right is having to crane her already compromised spinal chord to touch the hem of His garment.

But I don't mean to alienate People Of Faith or nothin'.