McCain/Palin Court Penn. Snake-Handler Vote!

byline: Gregory B Geddings somewhere in

the Poconos...

With the upcoming election so tight the GOP has initiated an all-out battle to capture the

electoral vote in the crucial swing state of Pennsylvania. The Republicans have been targeting a

largely unregistered segment of voters in remote areas surrounding the Poconos located in the

northeastern section of the Keystone State. “Plannin' is underway”, says local GOP spokesman

Helmut Schmutzz (his friends cal him Earl), “for our candidates to make a stop-over at one of

our numerous snake-handling congregations to meet these fine folks and let them know that their

vote counts also, or 'too' if you prefer.“ At this point Mr. Schmutzz paused, dropped his pants,

squatted over an O'Bama/Biden poster lying on the ground and let go with what can only be

described as a Long, Greasy Movement of Converted Intestinal Matter in a large “X” pattern

over the front of the despised poster. “Ah, heck, I was a hopin' for enough to do a double X.

I saved that special for you! I heard you was a comin' so I figured you might want to get a

little local color for your story! Don't forget to spell my name with two Z's. Just let me squat here

for a few more seconds....” The humiliation of interviewing a man who was in the process of

doing a Numero Dos was beginning to set in and (not withstanding the fact that LBJ was known

to hold a daily wake-up meeting while all of his key, trusted advisers sat outside his open

bathroom door puzzling as to whether this grunt or that grunt could be an affirmative or a

negative) I hollered, still perched tenuously on the edge of my historical reverie, “I knew LBJ and

you, Sir, are No LBJ...!!!!!! My reverie popped like a Porcupine on a Tank Tread and I asked,

“Where did you get the O'Bama/Biden Poster?” He grimaced, took a deep breath and motioned for

me to yank his index finger, I obliged and he tooted from both orifices, “I think it came from

the yard of the gay guy who works at the library but I can't be for sure 'cause it was dark and I was

really drunk. All I remember was somebody hollerin' and moanin' and I started to run...only I fell

to the ground 'cause, for some reason, my pants were around my ankles.”

Mr. Schmutzz seemed to get visibly agitated as he raised his pants. He grabbed a Bible, held

it up and started to gyrate wildly. He screamed, a crowd gathered, and somebody whipped out a

tambourine. “Every vote counts and we're a countin' on you fine Snake-Handling Folks

to Come Out!---Come Out of Your Caves!---Come Out!---Come Out of Your Hidey-Holes!,

Come Out!---Come Out of Your Huckleberry Lean-Tos!---Come Out!--- If for No Other Reason

than to vote against BARRACK HOSSEIN O”BAMA!!! 'Cause Don't We Know It, Brothers

and Sisters,---Don't we know that them Dang Mooslims is WAY too Chicken-S**T to MESS WIF

NO SNAKES!!!!!!!!!!” Mr. Schmutzz fell to the ground, blubbering incoherently. Taken, it would

appear, by The Spirit or, at the very least, taken by A Spirit.

Rumors abound in this area including an unsubstantiated one that Carl Rove is involved

in the upcoming visit of the GOP ticket and is actively formulating plans to register

the snake folks, get them to vote absentee and, on election day, to transport bus loads of these

stalwart conservatives to African-American precincts throughout Pennsylvania's urban areas to act

as paid “Election Monitors”. No word yet on if they will be asked to carry

their Scaly Sacraments along.

The candidates are seen in the above picture rehearsing for their upcoming appearance in the

state-of-the art GOP Holographic Environmental Device also known as the SIMUL-A-TRON.

The snakes are real, but whacked out on Oxycontin.